Alexandra (gryfndor_godess) wrote,

Comics!fic: Hey There, Blondie Bear (Part 3/5)

Title: Hey There, Blondie Bear (Part 3/5)
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Being normal doesn’t include having a vampire for a boyfriend, even one with a soul, but Spike’s not willing to be just her friend anymore.  Is “normal” all it’s cracked up to be?  Is it worth the price?  Begins after issue #10 (which will be released 6/13), which is when Spike will temporarily leave S9 for his own miniseries.  5,000 words.  Part 1 and Part 2.
A/N: Turns out the fic is going to be longer than I last thought, so it will actually be four parts instead of three.  Assuming I can tear myself away from A Game of Thrones long enough to write, I'll probably post the last part on Monday.
A/N 2: As I don’t read Angel & Faith, nothing that happened with Harmony there is relevant to this fic.  Thanks to Mari for clarifying some details about S8 for me!

Part 3

Dawn looked at the clock for what felt like the hundredth time in the past half hour.  The commercials would end soon, and then, after twenty-five minutes of nonsense, they’d get what they’d been waiting for.  Well, ‘nonsense’ wasn’t exactly the right word; it might not absorb Dawn, but it was carefully calculated to absorb him, if he happened to be watching.  If the opening segment discussing a vampire-centric soap opera pilot hadn’t grabbed him, the following interview with members of the Passions cast would have.  Dawn had watched without really seeing or listening until, “And when we come back, I have a special message for an old friend of mine from Sunnydale.”

Any second now…

Beside her, Buffy was even tenser.  She had her fingers pressed against her mouth, as though she were about to start gnawing her nails, and her knee kept jiggling.  She noticed Dawn’s stare and snapped, not a little self-consciously, “This is going to be a disaster.”

“No, it’s not,” said Dawn automatically, for what also felt like the hundredth time.  “It’s going to be-”

“Shh, it’s starting!” cried Xander, from Buffy’s other side.  Dawn turned the volume up a dozen notches and leaned forward, suddenly tempted to bite her nails, too. 

For the first time in half an hour, the bubbly voice was soothing instead of grating.

“I have a very important message for an old friend of mine.  I call him Blondie Bear.  Blondie Bear, are you listening?  I have a message for you from Joan.  Ah hem:

“She wants her Randy back.  She’s sorry she rejected you, and she’s changed her mind.  She doesn’t want normal; she wants you.  She loves you and misses you and wants you to come home.  I repeat, Blondie Bear- Randy- Joan loves you and wants to be with you, if you still love her.  Please come home.

“That’s the end of the message!  Isn’t that sweet, guys?  Let’s give a big cheer for Blondie Bear and Joan!  Yay!  And if you want to be a big help, spread it around the Internet!  Joan wants Blondie Bear!  I mean, Randy!  Thanks, guys, you’re awesome!”

Harmony blew a kiss at the camera.

“Love yah!”

* * *

Xander scrolled down the Google results page, jaw agape.  “Look how many hits it has!” 

The first was Harmony’s website, but the second was a random blog featuring- he snorted with laughter- a photo of a Barbie doll and a polar bear Beanie Baby with the caption “Are You My Blondie Bear?” 

Dawn took control of the mouse as he continued chortling.  The images filter turned up similar photos, as well as Photoshopped pictures of real polar bears.

“I can’t believe this,” she breathed, half aghast on principle, half utterly delighted, and entirely awed.

“I can!”  Andrew was practically bouncing on his toes behind them.  “It’s a meme!  That’s what you wanted to happen, isn’t it?  And it worked!”

“Meme?” said Xander, stabbing a finger at the screen.  “Hey!  Urban Dictionary!  It has an entry on Urban Dictionary!  Click-click-click-”

“Oh my god, calm down!”  But Dawn was smiling, too, as she went to the page.

Blondie Bear

1: Nickname of unknown, jilted lover of woman named Joan.  Introduced to the world by vampire spokeswoman Harmony Kendall on the popular Fox talk show, Late Bite with Harmony.

2: Unknown dumbass whose stupid name makes women swoon and men wretch.

Xander giggled maniacally.  “The second one!  It’s like they’ve met him!”

Dawn and Andrew shot him dirty looks.

“I don’t wretch,” said Andrew, nose in the air.

“I’ll swoon, though,” Dawn threatened.

Xander quieted, lips twitching.

“I knew this wasn’t going to be a disaster,” murmured Dawn.

“It’s a meme!  It’s a meme!  It’s a meme!”

“Stop saying meme!”

“What is a meme?” said Xander.

“It’s the spread of an idea on the Internet!”  Andrew leaned in between them suddenly, grabbed the mouse, and commandeered the keyboard.  “It’s on Urban, too!  See?  “A pervasive thought or thought pattern that replicates itself via cultural means…an idea that is spread from blog to blog…an Internet information generator.”

“Ah,” said Xander.

Andrew straightened.  “It’s information that spreads around the Internet and our culture like a virus!”  He beamed.  “It’s perfect!  If this doesn’t get his attention, nothing will!”

* * *

Fresh from the shower and snug in her bathrobe, Dawn began brushing her teeth, half daydreaming, half listening to the SNL skit on in the other room.  Xander had a crush on one of the cast members, Kristen something-or-other, and they kept it on in the background most Saturdays.

“If you’ve been watching a certain undead-friendly talk show lately, or you know, if you’re alive-”

“Or dead.”

“Right, Tom, ‘alive’ is not as all-encompassing as it used to be.  If you can die-”

“For a first time or otherwise.”

“You may have heard of America’s newest sweethearts and star-crossed lovers.  One of them’s missing and needs to be found.  Here’s his picture.”

“Handsome fella, isn’t he?”

“Very.  Hopefully the bear part’s an exaggeration, though.  Although necrophilia’s in now, so you never know, bestiality’s not off the table.”

“I hope he’s a good conversationalist, Joan.”

Dawn spat out her toothpaste.

“At least he’s cuddly.”

“Warms her up on those Arctic nights.”

“Right.  So anyway, we’ve got a song tonight to honor Randy and Joan.  You might recognize the tune…”

“Hey there, Blondie Bear, what’s it like on your big road trip

I’m a thousand miles away

But, boy, tonight you look so handsome, yes you do

Brad Pitt can’t measure up to you

I swear it’s true…”

* * *

“Shouldn’t you be doing your homework?” asked Buffy.

She was being paid to guard the Disney starlet while the child was visiting relatives in San Francisco, not ensure she dotted her I’s and crossed her T’s, but the question came instinctively; peril of being an older sister.

The twelve-year-old looked up from her Teen People, blinking as if the question confused her.  “I only have a few math problems.  I can do them later.”

“Don’t you have a social studies project?”

Chloe’s head was already bent over the glossy pages again.  “It’s not due until next week.”

Buffy’s mouth opened, “why don’t you work on it so you’re not rushing at the end” at the ready, but she closed it.  This wasn’t her concern.  She wasn’t the girl’s mother.  She wasn’t anyone’s mother.

When Chloe closed the magazine a few minutes later, Buffy thought she might have gotten through to her after all, but instead of fetching homework, the girl said, “I’m going to get the real version.  I’ll be right back.”

She skipped out of the kitchen.  Her screech less than a minute later had Buffy racing after her.

“Chloe!  What’s wrong?  Are you-” 

She skidded to a halt in the marble foyer at the sight of Chloe standing halfway down the stairs and grinning like a loon.  Her heartbeat slowed.

“Blondie Bear!”

Buffy blinked.  How did she-

Chloe waved an issue of People.  “Harmony Kendall!  She’s on the cover talking about Blondie Bear!  Ohmigosh, have you heard of him?  It’s the most romantic thing ever!  His ex-girlfriend’s trying to find him because she wants him back, but he went on some big road trip and got rid of his email and phone, so she has no way to find him, and Harmony’s their friend, so she’s been helping spread the word on her show in case he ever watches.  Do you watch Harmony?  I love her!”

They were back in the kitchen now, Chloe climbing back onto her bar stool as she jabbered.  Buffy could only stare, mouth agape.  The huge, glossy photo of Harmony on the cover and the headline, “Blondie Bear!  Exclusive new details on America’s missing sweetheart,” stared back at her for a few seconds before Chloe frantically rifled through the pages to find the article.

Buffy swallowed.  Her love life woes were on the front page of a national magazine.  Despite the fact that they were also regularly mentioned on national television, it was an overwhelming realization.  Half of her was afraid to see what the article had to say, but she still found herself automatically leaning over Chloe and reading.

Ever since the supernatural world revealed itself, reality star and talk show host Harmony Kendall, 18 and undead since May 1999 she doesn’t mind sharing, has striven to prove that vampires aren’t that different from humans, despite not having a pulse and being a formidable step of the food chain.  In the past two months she’s gone a long way in demonstrating that at the very least, vampires can have just as much heart as their living counterparts.  The Blondie Bear Campaign, as her quest to reunite two mutual friends with a tempestuous romantic history has been dubbed by the producers of her popular talk show, Late Bite with Harmony, started out as simply a favor to an old high school classmate Joan (no last name and widely believed to be a pseudonym, though Harmony’s lips are sealed); after two months, however, it has grown into a bona fide mission that Harmony isn’t prepared to give up anytime soon.

All of America knows the story by now: Joan and Randy were a real-life Ross and Rachel- getting together and breaking up more times than their friends could keep track of, loving each other too much or too little and never at the same time.  When Joan told Randy last fall that she didn’t want to be with him, he said he’d had enough, and he left.  Joan assumed he’d go on a head-clearing road trip and come home again, like usual, but then months passed without word; when she realized she wanted to be with him after all and tried to contact him, his phone had been disconnected, and her emails were never answered. 

“It was like he’d fallen off the face of the planet,” says Harmony.  With nowhere else to turn, Joan went to an old friend, and Harmony, with a nightly audience of approximately 1.3 million at the time, was only too happy to help.

“Of course I was!  Joan and Randy and I haven’t always gotten along, but she’s a good person to have in your corner- it’s good networking!  Also, great for ratings.”  Indeed, Harmony’s average number of viewers-

Chloe let out another shrill scream.

Buffy jumped and stared wildly around the kitchen.  “What’s wrong?”

“He’s a vampire!  He’s a vampire!  I knew it!  I knew it!”

Buffy’s heartbeat didn’t slow.  Swallowing through a suddenly dry throat, she read faster.

-has increased to 1.6 million in recent weeks.

If her motives seem a little mercenary, what does make Harmony’s efforts selfless is the fact that Blondie Bear is, shockingly, her own ex-boyfriend.  “We dated for a few months after senior year,” she says nonchalantly.  “And hooked up a few times after that.  No big deal.  We were never serious.  He was getting out of a long-term relationship, and I was learning how to be a vampire.  We both needed, like, a security blanket significant other.”

While this isn’t new information, it begs an obvious question, the answer to which fans have been salivating for since the Blondie Bear Campaign began: Is Blondie Bear himself a vampire, too?

Finally, after weeks of pleading the fifth. Harmony confirms the rampant speculation.  “Yeah.  He’s a vampire!  The fans were right all along.”  Then why all the secrecy?  “Joan was really reluctant to admit it.  She gets super touchy about what I can tell you guys.  Believe me, it’s just as frustrating for me as it is for you!”  What made her change her mind then?  “Um…she didn’t.  I just decided that you guys deserved to know.”

Unlike with Randy, there was never any hedging about Joan possibly being a vampire; memorably, when first asked about it months ago, Harmony’s reaction was to burst out laughing.  Harmony’s revelation brings up a whole slew of new questions about Joan and Randy’s relationship, beginning with, how did they meet?  Though not unheard of, vampire-human relationships are certainly not commonplace.  “Um, I’m not sure I can tell you that,” says Harmony.  “I don’t even know the whole story.  They met while we were in high school, though.  I can tell you that.”  Does that mean they were high school sweethearts?  “Ha!  No way.  She was way too weird in high school to date Randy.  She was such a loser!  But, um, in an awesome way.”

With so many subjects off the table or unknown, what can Harmony tell the world about the enigmatic, missing vampire?  “Well, he’s really hot.  He’s got these really intense blue eyes and the best cheekbones I’ve ever seen.  His hair should be totally stupid, but somehow he makes it work,” she begins, reiterating details revealed weeks ago.  “He’s British.  He like weird rock music and really old books that only English teachers are supposed to read.  He smokes.  He’s a huge pervert.”  She smiles.  “Usually, that was a plus.” 

When asked if Randy might not be a serial heartbreaker, given his up-and-down history with both her and Joan, Harmony just laughs, maybe a little bitterly.  “He’ll break the heart of anyone who isn’t Joan, but he won’t break hers.  He’s obsessed with her.  When that guy gets a crush, he really gets a crush!  I remember the night she found out he loved her- wow, that was a crazy night!  And not, like, crazy good.”  She won’t say anymore about that night but does add, “When he falls in love with a woman, he’ll stay with them even if they’re batsh** crazy.  Literally.  Before I went out with him, he was with this certifiable chick named Drusilla for, like, a hundred years.  And she’d cheated on him multiple times!  So yeah, if the woman loves him back, he’ll be totally devoted.  He’d probably come back to Joan on his own in a few years anyway; we’re just trying to get him here faster.”

But if Randy loves Joan so much, why hasn’t he responded yet?  Is it really possible in this day and age of 24-hour news and Internet sensationalism that he hasn’t heard about the Blondie Bear Campaign?  “I really think it is,” says Harmony sincerely.  “Without going into a lot of detail, I can promise you that he had the means to escape society one hundred percent.  And I think he wanted to.  He could be- he could be living in a Tibetan monastery right now.  Or, like, in space.” 

Still, speculation abounds online that maybe Randy just isn’t that into Joan after all.  Or that maybe Joan and Randy never existed in the first place and this is all an elaborate (and successful) ratings stunt.  At that, Harmony looks close to bearing her fangs.  “It’s not a stunt!” 

Perhaps bringing Joan onto the show would silence those critics.  “Tell me about it,” Harmony practically growls.  “We’ve been trying to get her on for weeks, but she keeps saying no.  Her sister says she’s camera-shy or wants her anonymity or whatever, but I think she just needs to suck it up!  I’m doing a lot for her, and she’s being really ungrateful!  Everyone in America wants to meet her, so the least she could do is say hi.”

Plus, maybe if Randy sees Joan herself on TV, he’ll finally believe the hype and come home.  In any case, just how long does Harmony plan to continue her virtual global manhunt for Blondie Bear?  “As long as it takes,” she says.  “It’s not hard to say a quick thing at the end of every episode, and my audience still loves it.  We’re going to find him.”

And how does it feel to have fans, the media, and the Internet on her side helping the cause?  “It’s so cool,” she admits.  “I never expected this to take off the way it did.  I have the best fans in the world!  I’m so grateful for the way they’re spreading the word.  I hope someday soon I’ll have Joan and Randy on the show together to say thank you personally.”

Harmony, America sincerely hopes so, too.

Buffy stared at the article for a few more seconds and then grabbed her glass of iced tea and downed it in one gulp.  She would have preferred something stronger, but that wasn’t an option at the moment.

She had guessed that Harmony would eventually spill the beans about Spike being a vampire, regardless of her permission or lack thereof.  Surprisingly, she was numb to it.  Her reluctance had been borne of being loath to romanticize vampires anymore in the media; with Harmony playing matchmaker, though, that ship had probably sailed weeks ago.

While Chloe gazed at the pages like Narcissus at his reflection, much more absorbed by the photos of Harmony than Buffy could ever be, Buffy looked at a box at the bottom of the page that said “5 Things You Didn’t Know About Blondie Bear:”

1. Despite saying that he stayed with his ex for one hundred years, Harmony isn’t sure exactly how old he is, human or undead.  “He was kind of old when he died, probably around thirty.  But in vampire years, he’s super old.  Like, before-they-had-cars old.”

2. One clue to his age may be the fact that he isn’t circumcised.  “It’s so weird and gross!  But also cool.”

Buffy choked.

That was- that was totally not appropriate information to share with the media!  What would Spike say when- if- he saw that?

Beneath the indignation, jealousy curdled at the pit of her stomach.  Buffy bit her lip, surprised by the intensity of the sudden ache she felt.  The Blondie Bear Campaign was surreal enough that despite her instinctive annoyance, this nugget of information seemed barely more important than the rest- but it really hurt that Harmony could share it in the first place.

She looked back at the box, trying not to think about any other intimate secrets Harmony might know.

3. He likes a little texture in his blood.  “He put crumbled up crackers in it.  I tasted it once, and it was yucky.  Blondie Bear has terrible taste.”

4. He was temporarily “neutered.”  “He couldn’t bite people for a few years.  He had a computer chip in his head that wouldn’t let him.  I don’t know how he got it out.”

5. He’s well traveled.  “He’s been everywhere!  All over Europe.  We were going to go to France together, but we broke up first.”

Despite being well aware of Harmony’s penchant for exaggeration, if not flat-out lies, the last bullet did nothing to ease her jealousy, and a familiar wave of regret followed.  Except for their space-cation, Spike had never talked about taking her places.  Would he have wanted to, if she’d ever given him the chance?  Had he thought about it and just kept his mouth shut for fear she’d scoff?

What she wouldn’t give for him to show her the world now; she wanted it so much it felt like a physical ache.

“Do you like Harmony?”

Buffy had to blink several times before focusing on her young charge.  “What?”

“Do you like Harmony?  Do you watch her show?”

“Uh…I don’t watch it.”  Buffy tried to sound neutral.

Chloe sighed.  “Me neither.  I’ve only seen a few clips on YouTube.  My parents won’t let me TiVo it.  They think vampires are evil,” she said grumpily.

“Your parents are right,” said Buffy.  When she used to hear people happily gossiping about vampires in the coffee shop, it had taken all of her self-control not to butt into their conversations and tell them they were naïve Happy Meals on legs.  She couldn’t stop herself now when the opening was so perfect and she was in a position of authority.

“You shouldn’t admire vampires.  They’re dangerous.  They’re monsters that would love to ea-”

“Not all of them!” 

Chloe’s tone was so indignant, and her scowl so severe, that Buffy paused.

“They’re not all monsters,” said Chloe obstinately.  “How can you say that when Harmony’s been helping her friends?  She’s not evil!”

Buffy stared at her, unable to speak.  This was exactly the sort of reaction she’d worried Harmony’s campaign would inspire.  She’d told Dawn this would backfire.

And yet-

And yet the guilty feeling filling her wasn’t entirely attributable to boosting Harmony’s star power.

How could she refute Chloe when the girl was, just maybe, a little bit right?

“And there’s Blondie Bear,” continued Chloe, almost sternly.  “He’s a vampire!  Do you think he’s evil?”


Chloe blinked, obviously surprised to have made her point so fast.

Buffy sat back down.  She felt very tired all of a sudden.  “Randy’s definitely not evil.”  Maybe a perfect slayer would have lied about Spike to preserve the idea that all vampires were monsters; the idea was unfathomable to Buffy.

Chloe looked not a little surprised by the slayer’s conviction.  Temporarily appeased, she glanced back down at the article.  When she spoke again, she sounded younger and more curious.  “Why didn’t Joan want people to know?  Do you think she’s ashamed that he’s a vampire?”

A lump swelled in Buffy’s throat, and her eyes grew hot.  “No.  She’s not.”


She cupped her empty glass, just to have something to do with her hands, and tried to ignore Chloe’s searching gaze.

She wanted to explain about souls, to explain that her reticence on Spike being a vampire had never been about Spike but about vampires in general- to explain that Spike was different and that all other vampires were monsters.

But then how did she explain Harmony?  Harmony, who was obnoxious and mercenary and ex-girlfriend-y and who had no soul but was helping?  Could she really tell Chloe with any sort of conviction that Harmony was nothing but a monster?

That would make her the most ungrateful person ever.  She thought of the condemnation of Joan in the article and winced.

Chloe sighed loudly.  “I wish we had a picture of Randy.”

A wilting feeling came over Buffy again.  “Me, too,” she muttered.

For months after Sunnydale she’d mourned not having any photographs of him, and yet when he had waltzed back into her life, she had never thought to sit him down and take any.  She’d been too busy dealing with zompires and Severin and Simone and trying to be normal.  Not to mention she’d been mad at him for taking so long to waltz in the first place; asking for a photo would have been like admitting she’d missed him.

Nowadays, she was getting good at that.

Well, even if she had a photo she wouldn’t have given it to Harmony to show the world.

That was a lie; Dawn would have pestered her until she agreed.  Dawn was basically managing Buffy’s end of the campaign, and she was big on manipulating public perception; feed viewers enough truth to make them believe the story and want to help.  She was also being annoyingly pragmatic about quid pro quo with Harmony; her ratings helped them, and their personal information helped her ratings.

“Where do you think he is?  Do you think he’s really in a-”  Chloe checked the article.  “Tibetan monastery?”

Buffy tried to look like the idea made sense.  “Maybe.”

He had to be in space.  He had to be.  It was the only explanation for why he hadn’t contacted her yet after all of this craziness.  His phone still wasn’t working; she’d tried again yesterday.

“The number you have dialed is not in service.”

The message still made her as sick to the stomach as it had the first time she’d heard it.  Because what if he wasn’t in space?  What if he was- what if she’d frustrated him so much that he jumped into the first brawl he could find just to distract himself and it turned out to be more than he could handle and-

“I wish Joan would go on the show,” said Chloe petulantly, and before registering exactly what the girl had said, Buffy felt a swoop of relief for the interruption; those thoughts led nowhere good.  “Harmony’s right, she is being ungrateful!”

Buffy couldn’t keep from frowning.  “Maybe she’s just really shy.”

Maybe she doesn’t want everyone to know what she looks like and reporters digging into her background and people inevitably finding out that a slayer went to a vampire for help.  Maybe she doesn’t want to boost ratings for the vampire who started a smear campaign against slayers.  Maybe she’s an introvert, and the idea of a million plus people watching her is terrifying.

Unbidden, Dawn’s voice joined in.

Maybe you owe Harmony.  Maybe it would mean a lot to Spike.  Maybe it’s time to accept that fang-mania isn’t going to go away anytime soon and by getting your face out there as America’s sweetheart, you can start rebuilding slayers’ reputations.

“I just really want to see her.”  Chloe sounded so wistful that Buffy felt some of her resentment fade.  “She must be really special if a vampire loved her.  And she’s so brave to tell the whole world she loves him and that she was wrong.  I wanna be like Joan.”  She pouted, but for once it didn’t make Buffy want to roll her eyes.

Instead she just stared at the child, who looked longingly back at the magazine like it might have grown a few extra paragraphs.  Eventually Chloe’s brow furrowed.



“What does ‘circumcised’ mean?”

* * *

“Blondie Bear, are you listening?  This is a message from Joan.  It hasn’t changed since last night.  She loves you and misses you and wants you to come home and- oh who am I kidding, you’re not watching this!  It’s been two months!  You would have come home already!  And by the way, that really, really offends me that you’re not watching!  I thought things were better between us.  I thought we ended on a high note!  But no, you probably still think you’re better than me just because you have a soul.  As if, you slayer-loving freak!  Here I am, bending over backwards to help my own ex-boyfriend get with my own ex-arch-nemesis, and it’s out of the goodness of my heart!  Not a soul!  Meanwhile, what are you doing?  Keeping us all waiting!  Keeping all of America waiting!  You’re probably doing it on purpose, you stupid British person!  Where the hell are you?  I hope the slayer kicks your ass when you get home!

…I mean.  Not that Joan’s a- oh whatever.  Joan’s a slayer, he’s a vampire.  I know, it’s gross and disgusting and totally perverted that they’re in love.  Believe me, I know.

Freaks of nature…”

* * *

“Oh my god!  Oh my god, Dawn, come here!  Dawn Dawn Dawn, you have to see this!  They’re doing a skit called Stakecrossed Lovers!  Kristen’s Buffy!  And- OH MY GOD, COME HERE!”

“Jesus, will you shut up!  I’m-”

The ‘here’ died in her throat as she skidded to a halt in the living room and saw a skinny woman wearing a Barbie-shiny blonde wig and twirling a stake standing next to a-

Dawn’s jaw dropped.

Bear.  Well, a person in a full-body bear costume.

It took effort to be able to speak.  “Did they glue fangs to it?” 

She was mildly alarmed to see tears of mirth leaking down Xander’s face.  Chinese translation assignment entirely forgotten, she sank onto the couch next to him.

“My love!  Is it really you beneath all that fur?”


“It is you!  Oh, Blondie Bear!”

Joan threw her arms around the bear, which roared again and clumsily patted her with its enormous paws.  The audience hooted and cheered.  Joan finally pulled back.

“You’ve been gone for so long I feared you were dust!  But no, you were only turned into a bear!  Thank God!”

“Argh rar rar…”

“Oh, I know it’s not ideal.  But at least we’re together now!  You haven’t changed that much.  You’re still…darling, you’re still Randy?”


The bear flapped its paws against her butt.  Joan giggled and shimmied.  The audience howled.

“Oh, Randy, I know how to save you!”

She hefted the stake.


“No, my love, don’t fear!  It’ll save you!  Trust me!”

Joan winked at the audience.

“I’m a slayer!”

She stabbed the bear.  Thunder accompanied its roars; lights flashed; fake smoke filled the stage.  When it cleared, Bill Hader, wearing a set of cartoonishly large fangs and a bleached blond wig even more garish than Kristen’s, had replaced the bear.

“Blondie Bear!

Joan spread her arms for an embrace. 

Randy chomped.

“Ow!  Ow ow ow ow ow!”

Dawn wasn’t sure where they hid the blood packets, but when Joan struggled free, “blood” was running down her neck and Bill’s jaw.

“Bad Randy!”

Joan smacked him on the nose with the blunt end of her stake, like he was a dog.

“Bad Blondie Bear!”


Randy pouted shamefacedly.

“Heat of the moment.”

He batted his eyelashes.


Joan’s nose went in the air for a moment while the audience yelled encouragement and catcalls.  At last she grinned.

Randy grinned. 

He dipped her.  Tongues lolled in a mockery of kissing.  The audience screamed.

Commercials began, and Dawn blinked, dazed.  “That…was…obscene.”

Xander cackled.

* * *

“I can build you a SpikeBot!  It’ll be just like the real thing!  Do you want me to- ow!  Ow!  What are you- ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, okay, I won’t, please- ow!”

* * *

“All right, everyone, before I say good-bye, I have a very special announcement tonight!  Guess who’s going to be on the show tomorrow?  Joan!  She’s finally going to come here and tell us all about Blondie Bear in person!  Yay!  So make sure to watch tomorrow!  Kisses!”



Tags: comics, fanfic, s9, spuffy

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